Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Another Day

I'm sitting here listening to my ipod list on itunes, crying. I'm so tired of being sick, not feeling good, hurting and not having answers to as why I feel this way. I was just released yesterday from the hospital for having pleurisy. 3 months ago I had heart cath ablation, and since then I came down with pleurisy and can't seem to completely shake it. This is just one of my problems, I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism and also my Vit D, Magnesium were low. On top of all this I have hypertension, tachycardia, dizziness/vertigo, nausea, hair loss, memory loss, severe fatigue, and some other symptom like problems.

I'm so tired of all this, I'll be 33 years old Friday and yet I feel I'll be 80. I need to loose weight so badly but my body can't seem to allow me to do the activites needed to accomplish this. I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without my heart and blood pressure going through the roof and feel like Im gonna pass out.

I haven't always been like this, I used to be a happy carefree kind of person who was always active. but now it's like a slap in the face. I ask God why? But I don't get any answers, it makes me cry even more that it seems like I don't deserve an answer? I ask for help from him, but it seems like the tools to get there are too far out of reach and I'm being denied.

I dont want to be this way, I have hopes and dreams. I'd like to finally get into a house, and get a dog. I'd like to have a child and be the best mother there is. I'd also like to not have to depend on my husband for every little thing.

It hurts me emotionally to have to see my husband go through this with me, and all the pressure I put on him. He's all I have in life, he is my family and he is my only friend.

Friendship is another thing I lack in my life, I hunger for good friends, and I so desperately hunger for family. The only family that really cared about me, passed away in 2006. My grandma I love her so much and miss her even more. She was my foundation.

I love you Grandma! And I miss you!!

I just want all this pain and sickness to go away so I can live and happy and healthier life again.

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